I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.
you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"
It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.
We're in ER. He's high on morphine and I'm drunk. Gonna score some bed pans for jello shots.
If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?
That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?
Touche.
I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.
my head hurts. i need an adult
and not like a cool parent adult. like a full fledged party pooper grandparent adult
Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.
So I was bartending last night and this guy w/ his gf said that he recognized me, so I asked him, "do you watch a lot of gay porn?"
Sometimes I really think that if... When your stoned you have a catlike ability to just relax in any position
Gonna be hard to top last New Year's Eve when the guy I blew came at midnight
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
She mentions her boyfriend one more time, I'm taking her home and breaking that shit up.
worse hangover than the time you almost threw up in a plant in front of your daycare kids?
...I don't remember telling you about that but yes
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
No offense, but I don’t think I would want to see him in anything skimpier than a hazmat suit.
Randomize
