the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I'm sitting in the drive through at Mcdonalds right now watching the workers pressure wash the vomit I left from last night.
Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.
Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
He texted me for drugs this time. Not sex. I dunno if I should be pleased it's not sex or disappointed that I come across as a druggie
I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
He wants to buy us a microwave. Clearly the man is going to fix my life.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Let the clothes fall where they may.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Steven and I talked about running for office again today. It's fucked that my 3 dream jobs are marijuana bakery owner, bar owner, and president.
On a scale of 1 to 10, with 1 being “good” and 10 being “banging a student’s father”, how bad is it that I’m banging a student’s father?
Randomize
