Talk about awkward... Just went to dinner with my mother and realized I fucked our waiter the night before. She HAD to see the looks he was giving me!
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?
the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
Dude, I had to masturbate just to stay warm. Please pay the gas bill?
Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."
He rode a broom down the stairs while we were mattress surfing. Naked. Buck ass naked. WTF
youre always welcome to strip dance on tables with me Mag. what are friends for.
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
So I just sneezed blood everywhere. On the upside. After yesterday I feel way more confident AND I give even less of a fuck.
I'm at the back whiskey bar with a 7 and 7 in a winnie the pooh costume. Come find me.
You kept saying, "please sir, can I have some more."
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