I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Hey do you have a way to post bail? If not we can hook you up. If a police officer is reading this please ask him and respond in a timely fashion. I am concerned for my imprisoned friend
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
the only way I will be happy is if my gallon spiderman bucket is full of either popcorn, nutella and peanut butter, or fried rice. CHOOSE WISELY.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well I just walked into a wedding reception and im currently eating a cannoli in the men's room while pissing
I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.
I never thought I would have to get vodka suctioned out of my ear
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
My boobs looked so good under the black light I saw a girl physically cover her boyfriend's eyes.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I wasn't talking about him I meant his penis! Its not a pet
Oh. Well it should be. I like petting it.
Want ramen today?
I need a salad
SALAD DOESNT WARM YOUR HEART AND BELLY
I am a taco. I am also really high.
I've always seen you more as a chimichanga.
If I slept with her my dick would come out glittery
coward.
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