My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?
You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
Drinking Fireball means never having to say you're sorry. Unless its at you're arraignment.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
I'm sorry I crashed your motorcycle and watched you get robbed from a rooftop. Will you please come back or at least drop off my shoes?
I've never sung with balls in my mouth
I gave Sophia a glitter bomb for Christmas. And before you ask is because she pooped in my cat litter box and then drank all my liquor and didn't pay me back and refuses to acknowledge that she had any wrongdoing. So she gets to clean up glitter for the next 10 years.
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