Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
Sometimes, when I'm driving alone I talk to myself in a Russian accent so I think it's my mommy and it calms me down.
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench
so how does soaking flintstones gummy vitamins in vodka not make perfect sense
CHEMICAL ENGINEER. God my mom would be so proud of me.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag
How many stacks you been grindin gangsta?
omg mom no
It's so blood brotha crip what be good
I just overheard this sorority girl saying "It's like trick or treting but for alcohol and with no costumes." I'm jealous.
She's hot and all. It's just I don't want to become Eskimo brothers with my sister
This is an alert from the drunk police: you have reached the point of no return. Text messages past this point are illegible.
It wasn't until after we began having sex again the next morning I realized I didn't know his name.
Randomize