Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.
I was wrong being drunk doesn't make accounting more interesting
Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?
How did the beer even get there in the first place?
That's not what's important right now
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
I'm getting kicked out of the place we're at. They don't like ketchup on their walls..
I pulled a muscle last night drunk dirty snapchatting him
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
No, it's like a legit blood drive. It's not just her out in some parking lot with needles and ziplock bags
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
i woke up on the third floor, naked in a closet.
I remember that. We went to taco bell looking for pizza.
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
