We were tigers and tigers don't wear pants
I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.
she could've warned me his penis was curved
ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I said "have a good day officer and I'll see you friday when I get arrested for being too drunk.."
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.
He told me my outfit made me look like a twelve year old then proceeded with "but you don't look like a whore"
I SHOULD NOT BE HAVING AN EXISTENTIAL CRISIS OVER PIZZA
She has that type of face she reminds me of that weird girl from napoleon dynamite only taller and with hoop earrings.
Just got referred to as "the girl from Tuesday night" at the Taco Bell drive thru...what happened on my birthday?!
all I know is id definitely throw up if you guys ever dated so if you do stay the fuck away from me
I just gargled with NyQuil
I now have a "weirdest thing a guy ever did in bed" story. Cut my fingernails.
Yeah I'm gonna need you to stop it right there.I know this is supposed to be a safe space but Imma have to exit.
We left an ass print on the conference room table, but I don’t think anyone caught on
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