If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
I stole an ensure out of their fridge and started chugging it. That was when Maria made me leave.
I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.
She sent pictures and the names of her 2 cats and her dog and told me that I should be happy to have met the whole family.
You must be good in bed dude
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Im in my back seat in my own drive way with two beers left to shotgun and watching the sunrise. Am I over her yet?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
I asked him to help me break in the space ship aka my bed.
It began the way the best stories do—with some naïve jackasses in a place they had no business being at.
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