Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.
theres bread in your mailbox im going to eat it
nevermind its newpaper
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Just watered mom's plants with leftover mixed drinks full of Bacardi Silver. I'm such a good daughter.
Just got attacked by a family of raccoons, I have the worst luck.
the saddest part is, this is not even the first time i've woken up in a shopping cart with a concussion.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
Do you have any puffy paint? I want to put "fiesta muthafuckas" on my sombrero but its too much to bedazzle.
Virgins should have to wear a badge. This burden is too heavy...
I felt like a responsible adult. A responsible adult that may or may not end up shitfaced. But not heaving purple puke into a urinal like last time because I'm classy now.
Like you can't just be like oh bb and THEN SEND ME A FUCKING PICTURE OF MY 8TH GRADE FAT SELF IN A TACO COSTUME
So I woke and tried to get up. Then I realised my foot was stuck in the pocket of the pool table.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
You don’t need a wing man if you have a solid hook up on the pumpkin pie
Randomize
