I miss you. Just wanted to say that before the drugs kicked in so it's legit.
His uber religious wife caught us having anal sex in their bed..... she called us sodomites. Can you even be a sodomite if you're a girl?
You're not a sodomite. You're a whore. Tell her to get the insults right. Did she try to save you with Jesus?
She said she'd pray for me. Man, if I had just caught my husband balls deep in some ho, I'd say fuck the praying and kick her ass.
I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?
you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time
I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.
all i wanted was to be slutty. now i'm meeting him for drinks tomorrow because he woke up before i had a chance to sneak out and was too polite to say no
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
There are so many Jimmy John's employees here
Where are you?
Jimmy John's.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
May or may not have been going down the road shooting fireworks.
I had a dream about that dude. It was the first time I had a dream about him since the tryst.
The tryst?
The hookup. I like using sophisticated words for my foolish decisions. Makes me retain some dignity.
We work out, have really intense sex, and then eat cereal marketed for children. We have a system, okay?
Wait..I'm drunk and butt naked making a pizza. Happy Wednesday.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
What were you even doing out there at 2 a.m.?
Look, i had a gallon of lemonade, a pack of smokes and a Darth Vader voice changer. What did you EXPECT me to do?
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
Randomize
