Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she can't stop having the shits.
Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!
..i think i can hear you losing your virginity
As I was puking last night I told them "it's ok I'm a paramedic"
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."
Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?
Lots of rum and cokes. Bartender wore my underwear on his head. Lost my keys. Accidentily started a fight. DC is going to kill me
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
If you call getting home safe by sprinting down Spanish Harlem barefoot still rolling then ya I made it
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I am at a new level of appreciation for drunk-you, who threw up into her own sweatshirt pocket last night in the car. Brava.
Fireball goes down like mother's milk. Btw your housemate is naked
The night they met I slept with both of them. Of course I'm best man.
He climbed on the counter and announced it was time for something called The Cocktacular and all the girls immediately left. He cockblocked the entire fraternity!
Randomize
