I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick
Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right
No no no no no. Not interrested. She looks just like Kim's fat booth picture. Only real.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
It was fun until the stripper told me it was her first day and started crying.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
Do you remember when I didn't post that pic of you fucking an avocado on your boss' desk? Can you return the favour?
Should I tell him how he got the bruise on his ass or just enjoy his theories?
Let's be honest, college orientation is going to be "here's how to drink everclear"
I'm both gender and math confused
Randomize
