Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
At my boss' house at a bbq. Had a few beers. Taking a poop - there's no TP...this is my nightmare.
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
Hey was my sperm eye the same day I crapped myself?
needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again
i lnow ive slrrwsdy teted you this. but goddamn girl on tv is a good song
Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?
please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice
sounds like it. if it makes you feel better i blew up a $75000 farm tractor last night.
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
I got bit by a peacock. That's how hard shit went down last night.
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
So help me God.... if he sends me a dick pic.... I will make it so he has to eat food through a tube in his nose and poop into a bag by his belly button
I'm the only person I know that carries solo cups, shot glasses, ping pong balls, two decks of cards, and a lawn chair in his trunk. I'm ready to turn anything, anywhere into a party.
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