friends with benefits? more like friends with awkward sexual tension
you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar
When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.
Lets now bow our heads and think of girls with ex boyfriends who were great at fingering them. That's so sad.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Stripper just cleaned my glasses with her nipple...
I just literally had a dance party in my closet. I've never been this blazed.
I've finally done it, I've downloaded some messenger lesbians like to use because some girl wanted to flirt.
Congrats, you're all grown up now.
I FEEL LIKE A GAY BUTTERFLY
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
someone is getting fuckign RAWDOGGED on this campus as we speak and it makes me FURIOUS
I want to strut with the confidence of a pigeon.
Randomize
