I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.
I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line
life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
Nothing like a marijuana chart of usage in each country to make me understand math.
No no no...you park the car, stick your tongue down his throat, slip your number in his pocket, invite him to insomnia, and THEN LEAVE. You go from awkward to epic in a matter of seconds.
How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?
She didn't like my gingervitis joke
My mom just drunk texted me complaining about her genitals smelling like Taco Bell. I really am her son
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
I would just like to point out that a bandaid led to sex. The lesson here is always have a bandaid in your wallet.
You'll be happy to know that the bruise is gone from my cock
Annoying and petty is the name of the game and I'm the MVP.
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
Get your heels and tits on! I’m not wasting a Brazilian because his fucking kid ate paste or Legos and ruined an afternoon suite sex and room service
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