White coat. Heels.
would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants
Downstairs neighbor just asked me to tell people when they jump off the balcony next time not to land on her flowers
You know, be my cock's hype man.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
Today, my boyfriend informed me that I look like my dad when I orgasm
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
So I told him it takes a lot to get me drunk & he said he was the heavyweight champion in college. We high-fived. Obviously I'm the favorite child.
If you can't accept me drawing a Santa hat on your penis then we can't be friends
We just saw two bitche in pink capris jazzercising down the road. On Thanksgiving.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
Tip of the day: Don't Amazon vibrators when your WHOLE FAMILY uses your prime account. There's dildo after dildo showing up in my "Related to Items You've Viewed" category on the home page.
We woke up on vday and got high and played frisbee in our living room for a couple hours and then had sex. It was probably the most romantic valentine's day i've ever had
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