I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person
HE had a tribal tattoo tramp stamp, jasmine.
My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.
Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.
He just said he was the Jesus of alcoholics.
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
YOU'RE HIGH AND AT THE GYM OF COURSE YOU FEEL WEIRD
My thighs feel like glass
Sorry I didn't answer your call last night, I was peeing on the driveway.
I think I'm making a tradition of going to every funeral with at least one sex-related bruise. I don't know how this happened.
I let a blind guy feel me up. All he kept saying was "oh fuck yeah!"
I have to drop off my inflatable penis costume at the bar for my bartender. Do you think you could meet me there at like 630?
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Way to go. Now you have no beer and I have a cold tit.
So bottomless mimosas = me waking up in a truck bed in a random neighborhood with no purse or phone or idea how I got there.
Randomize
