Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.
I just wnated to let you know that I laminated my history notes so i can study in the shower.
My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?
NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
its not that I hate him, it's just that I wish his penis was attached to someone i like more
There's a drag queen here that reminds me strongly of you. You should try crossdressing.
Well, my eyeball is red and the rest of my eye is black. Oh the joys of drinking with u. PS- I laid in a pile of sawdust. it was ok at the time.
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Bring shot glasses to the final. Don't ask questions.
Randomize
