Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
This coke is making my nose hairs dance. That good.
She's dressed as a slutty goth schoolgirl. Those are my three favorite things. God himself could not give me whiskey dick.
They took my balls.
Couldn't find my swimsuit top anywhere this morning but finally found it in the skimmer of the pool so thats how my night apparently went
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
She shows up drunk at 3am for sex and then punches me straight in the eye in the middle of it because "you're too nice."
I'm getting 800 nuggets from McDonald's
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
Randomize
