My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?
Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever
she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double
Last thing I remember clearly was, "ok, but if we're are gonna get drunk before class, there's no half-doing this"
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
You poured your drink on him and called him a "useless cocksucker" because he wouldn't give you a ride home... on his skateboard
Ordered a pizza stoned. The guy handed me my pizza and I tried to pay him by handing him back the pizza.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Because I chose to live vicariously through your uterus and you're letting me down right now.
There is a wine bar at this airport that it is currently full of mid-40s women reading their Kindles. I'm attracted to all of them.
It's 11 A.M.
You know what, I think I will
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
How much beer/TP for a BJ? Trying to set my new rates.
Randomize
