am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
The horrors my penis has endured I wouldn't wish upon any man.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
did you not get the photos of the finger bruises on my ass?
You should probably stop your little brother from ruining thanksgiving. I just caught him trying to stuff a cake in a drawer... And now he's puking.
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
He serenaded me say anything-style with Weird Al songs and then blew me on the beach. I'd say he's a keeper.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
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