I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
Apparently she was filling Miller Lite bottles with water because I refused to be seen drinking water in a bar
That was an excessively violent trivia night
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the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
That dog was the best thing i ever touched
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
he just asked me that if he was a penguin and I was a penguin if I would fuck him
Definitely didn't just make out with a guy the same height as me just because we wanted to see what it would be like to not have to reach up....
She got a boob job, dumped her husband, became a stripper, got a DUI in her Porsche and is now dating her lawyer
I’m making her my life coach if med school doesn’t work out
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