Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.
Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.
Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
I've carried my liver for over 24 years. If it can't carry me for the next 24 hours than it deserves to be damaged.
When one is stoned and browsing online dating profiles all men sound like serial killers.
He's scared I want a relationship? How does texting him at three am and sleeping with four of my exes symbolize that?
Emoji's do wonders when you actually have nothing at all to say..
Apparently HR frowns upon current employees introducing themselves to the new employee as "Hi I'm sleeping with your cousin"
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
I went to smoke a bowl and realized that my lighter is out and there's still frozen blueberries in my bong... I need to reevaluate my life...
Well, I have no idea where my underwear is, so yea I would say it was a good weekend.
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