If I see one more commercial for The Secret Life of the American Teenager, I'm going to punch the next teenage girl I see in the uterus and scream, "Wear a condom!"
Fuck that. Livers are so overdramatic and attention hungry.
just ask for directions from a guy with a penis drawn on his window
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"
It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.
true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down
Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Why is it every time you ask me what I'm doing, I'm at a police station?
We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.
He facetimed with his son when he was still inside of me. If that's not a dedicated dad I don't know what is
She's 90% sass and 10% boobs
I REMEMBER NUGGETS BEING THERE BUT WE WERE AT A TACO BELL
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Randomize
