I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
so i stopped by cvs on the way home this morning, turns out hallmark doesnt make an im sorry my friend puked on your friend card, call me if were still speaking
ice luge is my downfall...
...u mean upfall.
So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i woke up this morning cuddling with a 3 foot statue of Jesus. heaven here i come
I'm not sure if you saw my recent facebook update, but I have already put the Radio Flyer wagon to good use. I had someone pull me to the nearest bar.
I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Going back to our hometown to help Gramma move. Thinking we should see if we can fuck on the desk of the homophobic coach who first introduced us while in town.
It's official, I'm not staying in tonight
What caused that decision?
You only live once
Randomize
