My brain is foggy with friends reruns and him licking hummus off my tits.
I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!
He kept falling asleep with the pizza in his hand. I woke him up and told him and he was shocked because he thought he ate it all. Then he would end up falling asleep and we'd repeat the whole process again.
I should work for the FBI. Or planned parenthood.
That's quite a broad spectrum. What did you do?
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Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
In the 2nd smartest move of my day your ringtone for when you call is now the Space Jam theme.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
I just want my kids to know I fucked some really hot dudes before their father.
You're going to scar your kids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I did it again.
I drunk texted John McCain.
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
I just wiped my butthole and there was glitter down there.
I just tried to lit a bowl with my chapstick.
Your Saturday night was spent at the opera, mine was spent exchanging naked pics with a hot middle aged man that is so ripped that he looks like he's photoshopped. This is why we're blood sisters. We balance each other out.
I hate you so hard.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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