im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.
I can't believe that 100lb chick tackled me through a flight of stairs
There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.
Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious
I'll pay you to write the paper but not for sex. You should only get paid for something you work hard at.
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
We tried to play tennis but after about 15 minutes we gave up and fucked against the fence. Woulda been a cute third date so of course I had to ruin it.
I was going through my settings and the phone randomly started playing "Crazy Little Thing Called Love" by Dwight Yoakum. Out loud. At full volume. I was shitting. There were 3 other people in the bathroom. I love iOS 7.
11% beer and firearms, what could possibly go wrong?
He could only go see Deadpool without his girl if he was black-out drunk... because spoilers. They're the perfect couple.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
Just puked in front of a high school tour group. Based on the standing ovation, we have a solid group of freshman coming in this fall.
Randomize
