Fyi I let myself into your place, I'm wearing some of your clothes in your bed. Come take them off
Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Guy Shares All The ‘New Discoveries’ He’s Made Since Moving In With His Girlfriend And It’s Hilariously Relatable
I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
Would you feed me pudding while my fake tan dries?
I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.
I woke up in an apt hallway this morning and a nice lady brought me coffee cause she thought I was homeless
Guy Accidentally Starts A Group Chat With All The Girls He’s Talking To And Gets Absolutely Roasted
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
THE SUPER HOT BARTENDER WHO LOOKS LIKE RYAN GOSLING JUST WALKED IN. BUT HE DOESNT EVEN WALK HE GLIDES. LIKE AN ANGEL.
As for the other mouse...I don't have any mouse traps so I put a Jell-O shot on the ground. Party hard little dude.
I texted him back and I am so nervous I may vomit up all of the soup I just ate.
right now I am washing the alcohol and shame off from last night