Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
He is such a gentleman, he paid for my plan b
i decided i am going on the Justin Bobby plan for success. Don't cut my hair for a year, don't shave for a month, land Audrina Patridge. Game on.
Good to know: if a hot girls asks to go back to my place, she probably just needs to vomit all over my bathroom
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
My dating life has become some fucked up hydra of dicks; you cut one off and two pop up in its place.
Wait, tell the rest at happy hour. I wanna be able to interrupt you with my loud cackles and stupid questions.
speaking of festive, i made out with a guy in a leaf pile last night. happy fall?
I learned a very valuable lesson tonight...don't touch a cops tazer
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
My adderall dealer raised his prices due to "impending inflation" ... never buying from a college grad again
Idk I saw a cheetah print onesie and it reminded me of your Lion King fantasy.
The cop told you he couldn't let you pee. You just pulled your pants down and squared anyway and im surprised you didnt get arrested.No more drinking for you.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
