He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
I'm glad my gym is open 24 hours..I stopped in on my way home to puke from the bar
Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
If i still have my costume on when i get home from the bar i am gonna be pissed
I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.
Mainly I just wanna pet bunnies. And purple chicks. Well any color chicks if I close my eyes. But purple if I open them.
Is it normal that every guy I hook up with tells me my hair is sexy as it's happening? Like that can't be normal
So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
I hate college football. It's really fucking with our phone sex schedule.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I lost a bet last night, now I have to name the baby Fetty Wap, regardless of gender. Riley is going to kill me.