I know, he also has a fancy car to make up for his tiny penis
the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
21 Porn Stars Confess What Sex Is Really Like On Set
I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Taking shots of gin by myself out of TMNT glasses and chasing with bites of chocolate cake. AMERICA.
19 People That Found Pubes In All The Wrong Places
What not to say at an interview: i can wrap the shit out of some food.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Novelty of the week: Getting my lipstick back in an evidence bag
A guy just grabbed my balls before he shook my hand because he thought he knew me.
Mike passed out early so we kept filling his mouth with redi-whip and letting the dog lick it out, but he started getting hives so we stopped.
The little girl I'm babysitting is having a tea party, the water and chips she's passing out are doing wonders for my hangover.