rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
Farmville is her only friend.
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month
This is the high leading the old right now
Do you think making a dress out of an "Open" flag that my friend stole from a bar, and wearing it out sends the wrong message? ....Or exactly the right message?
NEW INFORMATION meech found me passed out on a bench outside.
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
What the hell do you have that is more important than a GIANT WATER SLIDE?
Duuuude someone spilled hot sauce all over the floor and trailing outside wtf
OH GOD IT'S BLOOD. THIS IS ALOT OF BLOOD.
There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro
I'm gonna chug this bud light an might injure this high school penis, like I'm 17 again
Why is your ex naked in my apartment?
She didn't get a tit job, she's just wearing the right size bra for once
Finally got with the virgin.
Yeah? Howd that go?
As soon as I got it all the way in, I looked deep into her eyes and said "your soul is mine" in the deepest voice I could make. She was not amused.
Randomize
