im like that movie w. ryan reynolds, no ones ever going to date me unless they're forced to marry me.
apparently drunk me likes to play hide the puke.. was not a fun time washing all my legos.
Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....
I just slow jerked to the titanic theme song, i dont think theres enough alcohol in the state to get me over her tonight
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
Part of me really wants this picture, but the other part of me knows if he is really this drunk, he could be sodomizing a lamp and not know it
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
he sent me a green and gold dick pic and advised me I needed to come drive the snake from Ireland.
Hey, I'm just seeing how you're doing and letting you know I fucked your dad last night. Don't fuck with me.
I WANNA SUCK HIS DICK ON A BOAT
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
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