it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
I almost puked on my graduation application. perfect.
On the plus side this hangover is the tipping point that finally convinced my lazy ass to get some sunglasses.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
We're both on the slippery slope toward middle age...and really shame riddled bar experiences
Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.
I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.
I bet George Washington got SERIOUS head back in his hay day.
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
Right in the middle of our simultaneous orgasms, he shouted "HAPPY NEW YEAR" ruining the intimacy
ok morning sex is a totally valid reason to come in late... ur good, cya in 20
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