I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.
The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?
I just went through the Wendy's drive thru only wearing a towel. My life has hit an all time low
Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken
Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.
I feel like shit, and I can't get the band aids off my nipples.
So. Somehow managed to fuck my contacts out of my eyes. Didn't know that was even possible.
I was drunk and on Craigslist.. The drunk-text offers people got must have been either horrifying or glorious
So, I'm either with my future life partner or my future life taker. And his brother. lol. I'll let you know when I get home alive.
Is it appropriate to send an apology gift to his roommates for breaking the bathroom sink during crazy sex?
I'm still waiting for God to smite you for impersonating a decent human being.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
God gave you your own nipples for a reason.
Randomize
