I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.
I told him I was engaged, had 911 on speed dial and made him wear his seatbelt, then dropped his drunk ass off at his motel...probably not the night he was expecting.
he asked me for a gerbil feeder full of alcohol
i sound like a 75 year old homeless man that has spent all his panhandling money on cigarettes since he was 12. that rough.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
So stoned i forgot i was in bed
Someone want to explain the bottle of ranch I found in my pants
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
It's disgusting. He breathes through his mouth and just sounds fat. Plus he chews all loud and shit.
I can't tell if I have the Pizza Hut shits or beer shits
My mom is currently drinking alone in our kitchen singing the Dixie Chicks to herself so, hey, alcohol is forever and we should not be shamed for its use.
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Randomize
