my phone needs a breathalizer
yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.
and what did he say?
there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.
saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.
Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
This makes me miss penis. Not in a horny way... but in a sad, sentimental way.
You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
I hugged the bouncer as we left.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
The last thing I searched on my phone was "leave in conditioner on cats." This is where my life is.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
my mom asked if I found my Easter basket. it's 1PM & I got home an hour ago from last night. if I'm looking for anything, it's my dignity.
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
she just kept straddling the railing to the stairs and shouting "come on Seabiscuit, lets win this for America."
Did I literally just offer a blowjob for help moving? Yes. Yes, I did.
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