i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...
I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Btw, you're my emergency contact at Planned Parenthood
So apparently there is enough alcohol to get me to agree to going to a strip club, but when I have enough they don't let me in.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
My dad is blowing up my phone with pictures from the midget wrestling match.
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
We knew it was an interesting night when we found my thong wrapped around a chocolate chip muffin in the fridge.
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
I swear to god, no guy has been as interested in sticking stuff up my butt as this girl
We have ur drink. Mom passed out in the bathroom. I'm goin to the other bathroom. Bs at the top of the stairs on way outside.
Randomize
