i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...
he threw mangos from the tree he was in at people and got arrested for harassment
just watched paranormal activity stoned. laughed the whole time and screamed when they turned on the lights. eating doritos. I love my life
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Like. I probably should fuck him. I owe him for breaking his thumb.
Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
What's Spanish for "I shouldn't have worn these underwear to work?"
he asked me where I was going to school, and then we started having sex, and I answered his question forty five minutes later after we were done. It was the chilliest thing ever.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
I'm not sure what happened last night but my dog has a red cup taped to his back with a little beer and a ping pong ball in it..
We invented a new game.
Started my new year off by being hospitalized with pneumonia. You?
Found out I'm pregnant.
I'll stick with pneumonia.
I totally fucked your pastor last night.
You're his wife.
Still a dirty get down.
Randomize
