I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
So can we just skip dinner and I'll just pay you for a blowjob?
Don't tempt me, I need beer money.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.
So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.
It's only 11:30 and she's already making friends with the homeless...
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
do you know how much drugs we can buy now that you got that raise at work
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.
It's nice out. . But after I almost put a bag of chips in the microwave to make nachos. ..I figured it best to not venture too far from the couch
My ex boyfriend literally just asked "who needs porn?". This is EXACTLY why I dumped his ass.
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
Randomize