so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?
oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.
A small cock is a small cock, don't blame the size of my hands
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
they're like a gay fantastic four
All of our toilets in my house are broken. Thank God I've practiced peeing in the sink enough.
Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.
Fool me once shame on you. Fool me twice and I'm the idiot missing half an eyebrow again.
I just shit a hot coal. Pretty sure it's that fireball shot from yesterday.
Just lectured your brother about using condoms when hooking up with girls he meets online. I should be a fucking life coach
Only you could make a reflective vest look even remotely sexy
I'll just bring the big suitcase this trip so I don't have to play wine bottle tetris again.
Just had someone from Hells Angels snort coke off my tits...so I'm pretty much done with life now. 💀
I left him naked in his bed. I did cover his junk with a blanket in case his roommate walked in later though. so I don't feel as bad about it.
Randomize
