I've decided that life's journeys are more fun when your moral compass hangs in front of you and swings with each step
Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
But he does seem to be getting proper humping etiquette down. So there's progress.
Hey my vagina is like a company. Everyone has an equal opportunity....
So which one of you fuckers changed my backgrounds while I was passed out to me holding a chicken like the statue of liberty?
Awkward is sitting in your parking spot and making eye contact with every one of your next door neighbors two hours before you have a threesome.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I will run into the sunset with a fist full of condoms.
The guy I hooked up with two weeks ago just friended me on Venmo, I honestly won't be mad if he pays me for the sex
Do not, I repeat, DO NOT uncuff him no matter how much he begs. He knows what he did.
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
Had to claim I'd "gone lesbian" to get my cat back. Thank God I got away from that one.
Randomize
