did I really admit that id have sex with that cougar had I been more drunk?...ugh...i need to masterbate more
Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Just thought you should know that we coat checked our fairy wings last night. Getting belly up to the bar was way more important that wearing our costumes.
Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.
We ate our feelings. Then drank our feelings. I feel feminism delivered.
Braid them armpits, sister.
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
It must suffice lest there secretly exist a picture of me walking out of the ocean at midnight naked and half mast with a sea urchin on my ass
the second she challenged me to mario kart drinking game i knew i was in love
She was from Wisconsin, she had great boobs... I mean... It's a dairy state....
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
Dude how much would someone have to pay you to get you to slide your vagina across a bald man's head because Honestly I'd do it for the experience alone. but money would be nice too\n\nI'm thinkin like 500 bucks. Maybe 700
Why are you like this.
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Randomize
