after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
He's a forty-something balding gay man with no boundaries or sense of social norms. Of course we should befriend him.
Just to clarify, I'm still tripping balls
On an unrelated note, I've come up with a theory of everything
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
Just woke up to find that I'd left a stove burner on for the past 6 hours or so. I'm now banned from Ambien cooking.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
I've officially slept through a hurricane, a tornado and had sex during an earthquake. I'm surviving.
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
Danny put 5 hr energy in the jungle juice (that brilliant bastard) and I almost showed my penis to Alex. It was a rough night.
Ever look at an ex and wonder...was I drunk that entire relationship??
Yes, yes I do.
drunkkkkk be here I heart you
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