Need sex. Gaining weight.
new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.
ohh what kind?
it's not our fault the pink and the sink are so close together.
Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
At least the cops kept you away from sleeping with her. Protect and Serve.
She just fell in the river. Meet us downstream with the bottle.
Wake up. Pour coffee. Open blinds. Guy is skipping class and jacking off furiously to Asian porn. Close blinds. Finish coffee. So this must be what med school is like.
Just woke up from a first date on the futon watching Arrested Development by myself, him cuddling another chick in his room. Simultaneously the best and worst one night stand in history.
Bonus: took me 2 hours to get home on the streetcar cause I spent my cab money on drinks for his friend last night.
I made everything so magnificently awkward in under 15 seconds. I am magic.
Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later
Your liver needs more exercise - we start training tonight.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
He sent me a website link to GIF on Snapchat. I don’t think he understands how Social Media works.
I mean I'm completely serious and also drunk.
What a great combination.
Randomize
