At least make sure they are 18
Why
Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.
OMG THAT WAS YOU?!
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
There's a treasure map on your stomach. Treasure may or may not be the clothes you lost...enjoy
Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
She tried to beat him up using a half gallon of Bacardi, instead she got tangled in Kayla's hanging bra and broke a lamp. She can party with us anytime.
I should start prefacing bondage with girls saying "I know you've read 50 Shades, but there is a 33% you're gonna freakout and go home, while I jerk it alone"
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Using the money underagers give me to buy this semesters books.. My mom would be so proud
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
The coke machine at work is laughing at me. Literally. I just heard laughter from the coke machine
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
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