stuffed animals make me feel really maternal.
Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.
It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school
I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.
does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Cutting up lines with the edge of my birth control packet. Just reminding you this is the person you've CHOSEN to be monogamous with.
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Girl in my public speaking class just gave a speech on weaves, God I love community college
There's a girl passed out on the sidewalk at the parade. Its not even 10am. She gave candy to children saying it was ketchup. Still think I have a problem?
I JUST WOKE UP WITH MY UBER DRIVER
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
I woke up an hour ago with orange fingers and a condom stuck to my head.. Wtf just happened?
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
Randomize
