just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.
I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.
I think there's a website warning girls about me based on the 4 who approached me separately tonight and called me evil. Fuckyoudave.com?
As a Chick-Fil-A employee, I think you'd appreciate the visual of me almost accidentally pulling out my wallet with a thong hooked on it as I payed for my waffle fries just now.
He sat on me and said I owed him $10, when I asked why he just said "lap dance"
Sex is always the answer.
Especially if the question is: what have I not had this year?
She left a blunt and poutine on my nightstand with a note saying "went to the gym. be ready for round three when I get back" I love Canadian chicks
I didn't know that all of his brothers would be hot and musical too. That's a dick move on behalf of biology.
Im going to seductively wisper "that butters my biscuit" in your ear
this isn't the first time drunken padiddle ended in a fist fight..
I fucked her with a giant balloon tied to my dick. You tell ME how my night went
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