remember tomorrow: you burned the inside of your nose with incense. it hurt.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
How do i politely tell him his dick looks like it went thru a meat grinder?
Yeah haha but we have no idea where his keys are. Last night was awful. Him and Chancey were in a fully embraced bro hug at one point. Both crying.
Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.
Which I'm also surprisingly fine with. If he walked into the bedroom naked, holding a fish in one hand and a lit candle in the other and said "Let's get fucking weird." I'd probably go with it. He's just that hot.
Are you kidding me????? How bout, IM SORRY FOR CALLING YOU 16 TIMES AND LEAVING YOU A TWO MINUTE VOICEMAIL OF MYSELF THROWING UP.
idk. a stripper just bit me. I'm so disoriented
I woke up to him "wax on, wax off"-ing my boobs. I just reminded myself that I love him and let it happen.
You spent like 10 minutes trying to hit a golf ball that was actually a cigarette butt. And then fell over.
I believe the only reason I am slightly functional right now is the leftover drugs in my nose that I keep sniffing
It's next to that place that has cock fighting.
Randomize
