Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
It's sad the highlight of the night was you didn't electrocute yourself again.
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
Hooker in the library. I repeat, we have a hooker in the library. This is not a drill.
I got another blow job proposal last night. Skills.
This is what you sent me from the other side of the pool, "Idk but thers a pool n l wanna get naked take off my trunks ill paddle with my dick"
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
you said, 'he held out his hand, that means we don't have to pay' about the taxi driver, and then asked the doorman what happened to your pants...
Remember that time I hopped home naked from the bar, then tried to convince you I was ok to drive you home? Good call on the taxi.
I peed my pants walking home last night... I just kept walking.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I woke up the whole house screaming I need my shorts they found me in the kitchen with a bag of strawberries naked
New low: uploading my contacts into Facebook in an attempt to get the name of the girl I brought home last night.
Like I said, all hypothetical...unless, of course, you'd be into that. My heart may skip a beat.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
