One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now
Dude, she doesn't even live here... She just can't eat all our food and masturbate on my dog's couch...
That unicorn pillow pet really made sleeping with my head in the toilet a little better.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
In all honesty the person most likely to secretly slip me drugs would be ... Me
It isn't easy. I met him at the gym. He wanted to go out he doesn't drive so I drove and he wanted Dairy Queen where his sister is the manager. This is dating in my 20's
Woke up this morning with girl, I ask her for some gum. She says "there's a guest toothbrush for the boys in my bathroom". I can't decide whats worse, that she has a shack brush or that I actually used it
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
Omg I should get on tinder just to get some edibles in town
You asked me if I ever met a talking rock and when I said no, you looked me dead in the eye and said today was my lucky day then you crawled into a ball and started talking...that high.
You were up on table in a neon bra chanting "YOUR MOM" while drizzling vodka on your chest...
no wonder i woke up with my boobs stuck to my bra
You literally snort drugs up your nose and you’re questioning the brand of the multivitamin right now?
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
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