Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.
I dont think he was a real cab driver. I think he was just a creepy guy with a van.
and now her best friend is massaging my table under the leg. this may not end well.
He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
A reason for us to be drunk all week National Singles Week
He referred to our sex as being similar to "Two cheetahs cage fighting" and I have to agree.
She unfriended me on Facebook after I responded to her long love note with #demtittesdoe. Jager is the goddamned devil.
She said it was unconventional for me to yell "Shazam!!" when I came inside her.
In other news, I just threw up my burrito and am currently on all fours literally crawling back to my bed
I use my feet as sexual weapons
Watching porn.....Adele is playing in the background...so many emotions right now...so many.
What does it mean when the bartender gives you 4 straws?
Randomize
