You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
And I was somehow convinced to wash the glassware at the bar topless.
You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.
I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.
She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.
I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
You know what would make this walk of shame even better? Picking up my cap n gown on the way to my car
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
We need a hype man... Like a DMX type dude to just up the ante constantly...
The guy who was interviewing me asked if I had coke on my pants. You win this time Las Vegas
SUFFER THE WRATH OF THE PISS BAG
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