In similar news, my cock is bigger than the plane that landed in the hudson.
the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant
they were having a wine tasting so i tasted every wine...then knocked over an entire display of gourmet olives and was asked to leave... but they still let me buy my 6 bottles of wine before escorting me out
Idk if you've ever had the pleasure of 1. Vomiting on a sidewalk - at 3 in the afternoon 2. Vomiting nachos or 3. Vomiting nachos out of your nose but really I do not advise any of the above.
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
New Halloween costume idea: Frankenstorm. We have three hours. Make it work.
I was trying to climb into what I thought was a bunk bed.. Turns out it was just a cabinet under the sink in a bathroom
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
I'm still me, I just happen to have things in my porn library that you may not have expected
Only you would come out as bi like that
And two different second-graders said my make up was pretty. It's left over from last night bc I woke up 5 min before I was supposed to leave.
he's 22 and listens to dad music. if i hear one more modest mouse song i'll never blow him again
Wait... so you had sex and then your ear drum ruptured? I'm not sure if I want to ask if the two are related...
Theres just something about today that says lets get drunk, dont you think?
I wrote notes to myself all over my body. "don't yell at cops again" "Cody stole your phone" "you kissed Cody" "vodka shots are bad for your liver" and "cactus pretty" WTF????
Randomize
