I hope I'm pregnant just to spite you.
Just lost my virginity while listening to rick astley. torn between horror and jubilation
Just got a script for 120 vicodin with 6 refills. I feel like michael jackson.
I could make treat bags
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.
the lesbians just got naked and went into the ocean... this never happened when i was a camper.
I don't think it's food poisoning, I think it's cause you cooked it over burning styrofoam
I really wanted to pound but her roomate was making mac n cheese n shit so I was trying to time her moans to the drone of the microwave
Dude I'm so clean right now. Like I feel insulted that I can pass a piss test.
I stopped for beer and woke up to a bird on my shoulder. I really need to stop drinking
Does he know you were at a strip club taking shots of tequila right before you babysat his son?
You'd be proud...I've an early morning wake up booty call...he should be here around 6am ish...I told him to wake me nicely.
I know! It's like he knows when my vagina wants to misbehave!
I’m a lady. I promise I won’t oogle your junk when we go skinny dipping.
You is single now. The world is your ass buffet.
Randomize
