My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
GOOD IDEA: Stealing the bike a couple blocks away so I don't have to walk. BAD IDEA: riding bike for the first time in years drunk as hell. I'm bleeding and my body hurts and once again I can't find my car.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that
We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr
and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner
I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.
We dug deep emotionally while eating cereal
No more weed for you
Don't forget the part about the bar bathroom stumbles.
Oh damn, you're right. I have to include that. You turned off all the lights with your head. That was impressive.
What guy invites over a booty call, gets all naked and then when the real fun begins and a condom is needed, claims to not have one? And wears socks THE entire time?
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Now I’m honestly wondering if I took this kids virginity
We were totally high while having sex, I told him fast or slow, just follow your balls. That was a show stopper.
Randomize
