I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
Waking and baking in my bathtub. In a giant sweater. And no pants. This is going to be the best 420 ever.
There's just something about a dollar tree pregnancy test that screams THIS WASNT PLANNED!
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Stop trying to get a gf and raw dog some forest beasts like sasquatch
Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?
Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.
...there was a woman in the stall next to me in the Walmart bathroom having a massive bowl movement and whispering "I'm sorry" over and over
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I haven't had an orgasm since 2014. So you cam see why I'm having a bad year.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
He flew in from NY last night. We had sex in the back of my car in the airport parking lot and then he fed me fresh Babka (from Breads Bakery) as I drove him home. I can't decide if I love him or Babka more.
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
He just got home after serving 5 years in prison. And I think I may courtesy fuck him. Best Christmas present ever.
Just imagine a dick squawking like a parrot
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