Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea
We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.
he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...
We are magical, pot smoking, smart as hell, single as fuck, woodland dolphins.
I started having a bad trip because I closed my eyes and got lost in a forest of patterns and I knew my mom would be upset.
Jesus, I just want to drink. Also simultaneously punch things and rub my vagina on them.
You've got to be fucking kidding me. Do you think "Husband drunkenly pees all over floors" is reasonable grounds for divorce? So pissed off right now.
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
I'm going to reward myself for having sex with coffee and a breakfast burrito.
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
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