I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.
open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me
This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.
Jealous?
Very.
The DJ was throwing glowsticks into the crowd and managed to smack one guy in the face with them
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Happy Halloween!! Last Halloween we spent together you got brought home in a shopping cart
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Stop leaving buckets of wine at my house.
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
You wouldnt listen to us when we told you there was no place that was selling girlscout cookies at 4:30am...
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