just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos
You were hopping up and down because you wanted only his strongest sperms to make it to the egg.
Darwin at his finest.
Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.
I just want to apologize for screaming when I saw you the other day. It's just that you looked really gross and I was high.
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name
i'm not accepting baked goods from anyone for awhile. especially after the stalker pie.
Oh nbd. She just had sex with a divorcee. On a charter bus. At 10 a.m. On a Thursday.
He slow fucked me. Doggy style. On a porch. You never slow fuck doggy style. Its a law. A LAW.
His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.
I complimented him on his choice of carpeting while he was humping me.
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
my make-up looks really good tonight. I swear it had nothing to do with me finishing all of your strawberry vodka.
I sent a picture of my balls to one of my best friends, so basically it was an average night.
Hold on...did you Instagram a picture of you and your boyfriend while you were sending me dirty snapchats?
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